Dearest friend,
Hope your new life has been keeping you well. Around here, many things have happened many still to be…
Another year has gone by since my last letter and I find myself in the same mood I was in, ten years ago. Still the same shape, the same color. I come and go like seasons. Keeping daddy's place, I guess. My old habit of drawing and writing holding a cigarette is back. I missed it… yes, the ones I never smoke. I prefer their smell non-smoked. I recall your smile, when I explained that to you and how you laughed when I assured it was calming.
Life has been bitter sweet, but you know me I like the ends and making them meet…or not. In the fear of receiving another letter closed with lacquer, I keep delaying my departure… always for a few more days. But I've said my goodbyes a long time ago. Then days turn into weeks and eventually months. I think back about all the things you had said, many things you would say today, if you were around… So, I’m sure you’ll be happy to know I finally got around to destroying that piece of paper. I tore it up into a thousand pieces and sent it to the Netherlands in a box I expect never to see again. I'd expect this to bring me more courage. It did in a way...
Speaking of courage, I can’t believe my parents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary today. As you know, the actual celebration stopped on the day you left. Many you knew have left after you… maybe to remind the ones that stay: hey! you're alive – take advantage of it.
I have been sleeping enough to get me through the days. I’m less afraid. I smile every day and honestly, I’ve been pretty happy. No need for giggle pills. The trick is to keep breathing.
Remember the song “Roses”? and how you'd play it over and over again? And the times the wind swept our faces and we talked ‘till it dawned. I recall those times with a smile on my face. All the messes, f*ck...tremendous messes! “Quote, its time to make a mess…” It all feels so far away…
A cat told me that I have so many ghosts. I’m so glad you are one of them.
Miss you tremendously.
V.
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